I seemed to have stopped writing in the recent years. I feel like writing is a window into our heart, and I have been unwilling to open that window and let anyone see in. I think I have felt disappointed in myself, or maybe that other people have been disappointed in me. I'm not totally sure why. I have a wonderful life, it is just so different than what I had expected my life to amount to. It's funny though, in an ironic sort of way, because I don't think that I would be happy in the sort of life I had imagined. I would feel alone.

I may feel many things about my career, my bank account, my life - but I am not alone. In fact I am the most together I have ever been. I cannot explain the blessing it is to be married and have someone fully know you. It is possible to hide your heart I suppose, but there is such a vulnerability in marriage like nothing else I have ever experienced. Literally every single decision you make affects another person. Whether it be what you make for dinner (if you even make it?), what time you get off work, if you pick up your clothes. You are required to be a lot less selfish. Let me tell you, it isn't easy. So many of the things I most get annoyed about around the house are really things I have been to lazy to keep up on, and I act in anger because I am angry. Angry that I can't be more perfect. As infuriating as that is at times, it is the most humbling experience. I thank God for putting Adam and I together in this marriage not just for all the wonderful things he brings into my life but also for the honest introspection is has required of myself.

With how much my marriage has changed the essence of who I am, I can only begin to fathom how much change this child (Due May 14th 2013) will bring. I pray that the Lord will prepare my heart for it. That I will be able to become a more gracious, loving, giving person than I am. That I might be humbled into a more honoring and respectful wife. These are areas that I struggle in daily and I hope to grow. Now I will not only be living for my Father, my husband, and myself, I will be living for my Father, my husband, my child, and myself. I have to remember who comes first and who comes last on that list. I have to remember that without my Father and my husband I would have no child. I will have to consider all of us before I make a decision because more and more there will be no "just me". I look forward to it with both fear and excitement. I can't wait to meet my child, and even more, to become a person they can respect and look up too.

I am not sure if any of this wordiness really has merit or interest to any others, but I felt like sharing my heart. I want to begin to open the window and to remember that happiness is not having what you thought you wanted, it is realizing how blessed you are by the things you never could have dreamed for yourself...