Overawed

I am overawed, and how incredible a God God is. In the past year, I've gone through some pretty intense changes, ones that I really didn't want to accept at first. The process of making them was messy and unpleasant, but necessary. I can be one of those people who dislikes change. Sometimes it takes me a while to adjust, and these changes took me a really long time. As crazy as it may sound, the biggest change for me was giving up on my dream of becoming a pediatric oncologist. No one seemed to understand how big a deal that was for me, but honestly, I still get a little teary when I think about it today.

As early as fifth grade, I found all of my value and purpose in the pursuit of that dream. I managed to turn peoples encouragement into confinement, and believe that becoming a life saving, pediatric oncologist was the only fulfilling thing in my life. Every thing else was just a step in that direction I isolated myself from options, and gave up on studying things I loved. I feed off of peoples praise for my efforts, and I defined myself by succeeding at that. And it was hard. I love chemistry, but let's be honest, I don't really have a knack for the higher level stuff. When I started to realize that, I panicked. So after a lot of teary nights, and failing a class because I was too stubborn to get the help I needed, I decided I could deal with myself if I just went ahead a did nursing. That would be okay.

So then, I transferred to UW. Not only was I having to try to pretend to be okay with this little shift, I also had to move completely out of my comfort zone, and I hated it. I don't know how many people I told how many times that I hated UW, it was horrible, and I was getting out of there as soon as I could. Those were all the cries of poor adjustment, my parents knew that, but my friends didn't. Some of them pushed me to stay, other pushed me to go. I was an absolute wreck, and had no idea how to relinquish that control. All I had was school. Looking back, it's so completely ridiculous how much I thrived off of school. And then, my classes were difficult. I worked early, went to school late, and had little fun. With each slide about nutrition or biology, I found myself loathing me because I wasn't getting it. And still, I was too proud to ask for help. And I wonder now, when was it that I forgot about God?

Because I can tell you, that I rarely prayed. When I did, it was usually because I was so overly emotional that I couldn't help but pray for some kind of relief, or because I was with other people. I played a christian pretty well, but I didn't really trust God with anything. I was so, insanely, unhappy and closed off from options of any sort. And I kept thinking back to abuelo, and how he died. Cancer, this thing I so badly wanted to fix, is what took his life. I didn't realize how much this affected me. It's almost as if I blamed myself because I didn't have the capacity to help him. I know that is utterly ridiculous, but I just kept wanting to fix things. And then to go to school and fail at all of these things, it was like disappointing his memory. Which is just even stupider, because of all people, my abuelo encouraged me to live and love my life. He told me time and time again, that it didn't matter what I did, he was proud of me, and that would be amazing. But somehow, that didn't click. Somehow, that meant I will be proud of you when you do something. And all I could possibly fathom being amazing was being a doctor. Which is so annoying a thought to me know, because that is so incredibly narrow-minded.

And then I start to take out my anger at myself on people close to me. Which is very uncool. I made necessary changes that I don't regret in and of themselves, but I do greatly regret the people that I hurt in my poor taste in making them (if that makes any amount of sense). I was so concerned with myself, that I lost my care for other people, which is what supposedly stemmed these great academic aspirations. And then, I broke down. Not in the emotional wreck sense of the phrase, clearly I'd been there and done that, but I broke down in the sense of control. I finally let go, and gave God the reigns. It wasn't a one step process, but I did. I applied to spring in London because I felt a random inspiration to do something fun (God). And I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Because, oh Lord, what was I going to do if I wasn't going to do nursing? And I felt God calling me to study english, and writing. And I though, no, that's something I do for fun. And God said

"..."

In less words then that really. So I decided to apply this concept Natalie and Candy had talked about, and "laid out a fleece" with God. So, if I was accepted to the study abroad program, I would major in English, and go for creative writing. And I wasn't really okay with that, but what other option did I have? So I decided to start writing again - I hadn't written a poem in 2 years - and the words just spilled out onto the paper. I was personally shocked, and even more shocked when people other then my mother expressed an interest in reading them. And then I began to get a little more courageous, and remember that God does know what he's talking about. And though I still get nervous, and have no idea how this is going to work, and am coming to the end of school within a year or so, I am so much happier. For probably the first time in my life, I'm okay with not knowing everything. And I still worry that I've disappointed people some time, but I remember that God's got me where I am for a reason, and though I'm still a little nervous about thing, I should probably make what I can out of it.

I don't want to miss out on anymore of my living because I am stuck in a rut, or because I am afraid of disappointing others. I want to live to be consistently overawed with my life, and how awesome or awful it may be at the moment, because I want to rely on God to take me where I am going. I want to be okay with breaking down, and not having to hide it from everyone because it makes me appear out of control. I am gladly out of control, and following God. I have big dreams for my future still, and whether or not they come to fruition is not entirely the point. The point is that by having less defined direction in my life, God has given me better directions, and though they may not carry my mind all the way into the future, they are enough, and I am content to be overawed.

If you're one of the people I hurt along the way - I'm sorry. If you're along with me for the rest of the journey, I hope you know how much that means to me, and how happy I am with God and where he is leading all aspects of my life.


The End
Sarrah

Seconds From the City

Just
seconds from the city

a place
quiet
grassy, flowered bliss
to one side a bell rings
time passes
and life is hurried
to the other side
traffic
busy sidewalks with busy people
still rushing
but here

just
seconds from the city

is quiet
one man leans against a tree
sun shedding light on his newspaper
couples on benches
loving together
more people sitting on the grass
students with lunch in hand
who knew there could be such bliss

just
seconds from the city

blossoms bloom on trees
indicating the spring
flowers spreading across the green

just
seconds from the city

this park,
this beautiful wondrous place
seconds from the city
is peace
it escapes the bustle
the noise
and keeps you

just
seconds from the city.

London: Day 1

Lots learned today, to much to write about constantly. I will do weekly updates I suppose, haha.

Highlight of today though, was learning that pepperspray is illegal in Europe. How we learned this? Poor Molly (I think it was Molly, anyways) was arrested after having her back searched in the Tube (apparently typical). You should've seen the look on the girl next to me's face when we heard this, as she had pepperspray in her bag...

Ahh well, what can you do other then get rid of it?


EDIT: It was not Molly, but Molly's friend. :)

I have arrived...

In the lovely London. Not much to say right yet, very exhausted. But I made it, and I'm loving what I've seen thus far!

God Bless
Sarrah

Inspired by Bowling...

When the winds all change
You stay the same
When the waters rage
Your love remains
When I'm lost in doubt
You pull me out
And you let love lead the way
When the road seems long
You make me strong
When the rain pours down
You give me solid ground
When I cry in shame
You call my name
And make me whole again
You are mighty
Much stronger then I know
And when I fight thee
That's when your love best shows
Cause you pick me up
And you love me all the same
So very mighty
Is you holy name.

-Sarrah Fletcher 3/16/09

L...Lo..LONDON!

That's right. I am going to London. On March 23rd. To June 6th. Here is where I will post updates, mostly because I am too lazy to make another blog.

So, off to bed I go for now, but keep your eyes peeled!

God Bless
Sarrah

The Irony of Accidental Conversation

So, the other day I was talking to a friend of mine. A good friend, we've been pretty close for almost four years now, and we were just you know, talking about nothing. In his attempt to say "how are you" (he is probably the WORST speller you will ever meet) he asked "who are you". Quite confused, I responded "who am I?". After about a gazillion years of typing - myself confused all the while - he responded with the following:

"your are sarrah loyce fletcher you love littel kids you love to help liitle kids you are a child of God you are a doughter of (insetrt parents names hear i for got them dont tell them haha) you are a wonderful young lady who has her who life ahead of her you are lots of fun to be around you are very good at everything you do you know how to spell from haha you have a beautiful singing voice you are quite brittle around your wrists haha you like men you are the only one like you".

After reading and being boggled at why in the world this friend felt a very random need to tell me who I was, I smiled to myself. Because, what a reminder from God that was to me. It may have appeared to be an accidental occurrence, but it was a reminder of who I really am, and why I have gotten to where I am.

I so often struggle with finding my identity, and I lose faith in myself more then anyone else I know does. I doubt my capabilities and I question my love and my passions, I talk about giving up, and I wish I had the mental capacity to be a quitter. But then when I see myself from someone elses perspective - however misspelled, forgetful, and silly it may be - I see what a treasure I am, how much God has given me too offer this world.

And that's what makes it worth it. Every step that I take in a direction that I'm still not comfortable with, I find a new avenue of my soul that I didn't know existed before. I start to see the things that others see in me, and I begin to see how much God has done for me. I am coming up on a lot of humongous events in my life - leaving the country, making my home here in an apartment in Seattle, becoming an Aunt for the second time, essentially growing up. And though my wrists may be brittle and break easy - my soul cannot and will not. There are too many people rooting for me, and it's high time I start rooting for myself.

So basically:

"'Once you get over the fear, then it's a cinch', she said. And then she leaped into a mountainous and unexplored region of her heart." - Unknown